Well here we are again; another year has come and gone since my last log. It’s amazing what has changed since then and what I did not accomplish even though I said I planned too. For me 2019 was full of anxiety and stress. Most of it I brought onto myself.
In Feb, I started working part time for an event planning company that at first was great and full of promise. This actually seemed like something I could do in my spare time once I got my real estate license (still working on by the way). However, the company went south fairly quickly due to circumstances beyond the owners control. In fact I, to my knowledge, am still employed with this company but I haven’t heard from the owner regarding the 2020 plans and we are less than 3 days away from the new year. This is very disheartening because I put a lot of time and effort into helping this company be successful with very little pay (1099 Employee). This added to the stress of my year and took valuable time away from my family. If there are no plans in 2020 then I would not be disappointed.
My fulltime job was just as filled with stress and anxiety up until this week; yes of all weeks the week of Christmas AND my week off. Our company does not hinge on Christmas to make sales so the anxiety and stress came from within the organization. Working with employees who have had little to no direction, lack motivation, and are at times insubordinate are just a few of the long list of problems the company as a whole faces. I understand that all companies have their ups and downs but there is usually a plan in place to get back on track. This train derailed a long time ago and has taken the tracks with it. However, we are getting on a new track with a new train (new manager) and so far it is a slow painful process for some but good overall. I just have to remember that there is goal in what is planned ahead and understand that some might not be around to see the outcome. I am all for that since it can’t get any worse.
Since my part time job stalled toward the summer, I signed on with a pet sitting company. I absolutely loved it and made decent money. However, this too became demanding and draining. I put another stressor on myself and my family. In Nov. I had to quit. I may go back to it in the summer but as of now that seems unlikely.
So with all this being said, I took out all but the stress of my full time job out of my life but I am still feeling anxious. Yesterday I had an anxiety attack that lasted almost all day. I am not sure where this is coming from but I believe it is my need to stay busy all the time. I stopped studying for my real estate license because I got scared. I stopped working on my succulent business because I became overwhelmed. I think part of it is lack of support from anyone. If you ever waited to clean your room for days because you did not know where to start, or avoided social situations, or made up excuses to not do the passionate things you love then you might have an anxiety disorder. It took me 3 hours yesterday to clean up my room and it was not even that dirty. I would rather sleep and stay home then to deal with getting out. I planned a wine tasting at my house at the beginning of Fall and canceled last minute because I had an overwhelming response of how many people were going to attend. When I let my anxiety take over, I get so disappointed in myself that it starts the cycle all over again. That is when I realized that this has not been just something I have been dealing with this week but all year long. Today I take my life back. Blogging this really helped me realize how much this has impacted my life this year and I have had enough. I know that these episodes will come and go but I now have the tools in place to take me back to my normal self. I cannot wait for 2020.
Thank you again for reading. This will be one of my tools so expect to see more blog entries from me in the future! I appreciate all of your support!