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Free Rent in My Mind

I know I don’t blog often. I do this more so as an outlet for when I feel like my life is getting out of control OR when I really need to sit down and focus. I got laid off in March like many Americans did. I worked my a** off for 2 years and gave everything to a company that had no problem letting me go as soon as times got tough. In Oct they hired a new manager after I and another female supervisor interviewed multiple male potentials. Before he was hired, her and I ran the show. We ran it well and we worked well together. However they insisted that there be a manager even though the department was not big enough for all of us. Before I co-ran this particular department I ran another one from the ground up. I came up with the policies and procedures, formed relationships with clients and vendors, and brought in over 1.8 million in revenue in the first year. So when they begged me to help out the hurting department I declined because I was not hired to fix something that was broken. Ultimately it was not my decision and I ended up co-supervising the department anyways.

When the new manager started his energy was refreshing but intense. It was okay though because I, coming from a corporate world, am used to intense and high energy management style. I actually prefer this type of management over laid back or easygoing. Something about the drive and passion gets me excited about the job, the vision, or company I work for in general. For years this was lacking in the department I started out in but finally a fresh start! In fact I had even hoped that once the department turned around I could go back to running the department I came from. However that did not happen and in fact it got much much worse.

The new manager had his negative opinions of everything that the company did; from how the department was ran, the company was ran and what he thought about everyone. He had only been there a month and pretty much turned everyone against each other in most departments. Associates from outside of the department complained about the hostile environment he began to create. At one point he had me in tears for almost an hour telling me that I had a big ego and that I was rude among other soul crushing comments. I had been there over two years and not once has anyone  said anything about my attitude or work ethic. He may have felt threaten by me because, or so I thought, I was well respected by everyone especially upper management. I could go on and on about this and what ultimately ended up happening (I was in the first rounds of furloughed employees) but that is not really what this blog entry is about. Yes I was upset. Yes I was angry, Yes I was confused as to why the company chose to stick with this narcissist and call me while I was on vacation for spring break to break the news to me. Everything I worked for gone. Now I know furloughed isn’t a permanent layoff. I will have a position available once this all blows over. They are a small business and it took one week of low revenue to start furloughing their employees. They furloughed almost 60 hard working employees. In my opinion this business was already hurting in the first quarter and this did them in. I am not sure when I’ll be able to return if ever since it’s going to take some time to get back to where they were. So this might be and actually is a blessing in disguise!

I went through a week of not knowing what the heck to do. I am sure I am not alone in this. I am thankful that as of today my husband still has a job. He’s considered an essential employee. After I got annoyed with myself I decided to quit sulking and being angry. I decided to harness that energy and starting investing…. in myself. Since March I have finished studying and taking all my test for my real estate license, started up my virtual assistant business (finally), and start a new career as transaction coordinator that goes along with my real estate license. You really never know how strong you are until you are pushed to your outer limits forcing you to take action instead of lie down and succumb to my worst fear; having no control. I decided that the only person from now on that is in charge of me is me. I am done working hard for someone else’s dream. I said from the beginning of 2020 that this year will be my year and I meant it. So I do not look at furloughed as a setback but as a huge opportunity to make the necessary changes for me and my happiness. My family deserves a better version of me and since the lock down, I have found my true self again. So instead of saying what was on my mind when I got the call, I say thank you instead. Without this I would not be moving on for the better.

Everyone hang on; you’ve got this. Think of the positives and focus on what is in front of you. Take one day at a time.

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Anxiety Has Taken Over

Well here we are again; another year has come and gone since my last log. It’s amazing what has changed since then and what I did not accomplish even though I said I planned too. For me 2019 was full of anxiety and stress. Most of it I brought onto myself.

In Feb, I started working part time for an event planning company that at first was great and full of promise. This actually seemed like something I could do in my spare time once I got my real estate license (still working on by the way). However, the company went south fairly quickly due to circumstances beyond the owners control. In fact I, to my knowledge, am still employed with this company but I haven’t heard from the owner regarding the 2020 plans and we are less than 3 days away from the new year. This is very disheartening because I put a lot of time and effort into helping this company be successful with very little pay (1099 Employee). This added to the stress of my year and took valuable time away from my family. If there are no plans in 2020 then I would not be disappointed.

My fulltime job was just as filled with stress and anxiety up until this week; yes of all weeks the week of Christmas AND my week off. Our company does not hinge on Christmas to make sales so the anxiety and stress came from within the organization. Working with employees who have had little to no direction, lack motivation, and are at times insubordinate are just a few of the long list of problems the company as a whole faces. I understand that all companies have their ups and downs but there is usually a plan in place to get back on track. This train derailed a long time ago and has taken the tracks with it. However, we are getting on a new track with a new train (new manager) and so far it is a slow painful process for some but good overall. I just have to remember that there is goal in what is planned ahead and understand that some might not be around to see the outcome. I am all for that since it can’t get any worse.

Since my part time job stalled toward the summer, I signed on with a pet sitting company. I absolutely loved it and made decent money. However, this too became demanding and draining. I put another stressor on myself and my family. In Nov. I had to quit. I may go back to it in the summer but as of now that seems unlikely.

So with all this being said, I took out all but the stress of my full time job out of my life but I am still feeling anxious. Yesterday I had an anxiety attack that lasted almost all day. I am not sure where this is coming from but I believe it is my need to stay busy all the time. I stopped studying for my real estate license because I got scared. I stopped working on my succulent business because I became overwhelmed. I think part of it is lack of support from anyone. If you ever waited to clean your room for days because you did not know where to start, or avoided social situations, or made up excuses to not do the passionate things you love then you might have an anxiety disorder. It took me 3 hours yesterday to clean up my room and it was not even that dirty. I would rather sleep and stay home then to deal with getting out. I planned a wine tasting at my house at the beginning of Fall and canceled last minute because I had an overwhelming response of how many people were going to attend. When I let my anxiety take over, I get so disappointed in myself that it starts the cycle all over again. That is when I realized that this has not been just something I have been dealing with this week but all year long. Today I take my life back. Blogging this really helped me realize how much this has impacted my life this year and I have had enough. I know that these episodes will come and go but I now have the tools in place to take me back to my normal self. I cannot wait for 2020.

Thank you again for reading. This will be one of my tools so expect to see more blog entries from me in the future! I appreciate all of your support!

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Football is Over

The good thing about a blog is that you can update however often you like. Downfall is spending money and not utilizing it. Oh well; Once Fall hits I am nonexistent and football is mostly to blame. I am a die hard Dallas Cowboys fan and honestly wasn’t expecting them to take it to the post season this year. I even put off taking my Christmas decorations down because I had to watch every game to see who our next opponent was. Football takes up a lot of time. It’s by far my favorite past times and every minute spent for me anyways, is not a waste.

So here we are; post season and my team is done for the year. I am also a KC fan due to Mahomes coming from Texas Tech but I won’t rearrange my entire weekend for him like I do my Cowboys. Maybe if he continues to go on and do great things but for now he’s got to earn the right for me to do that. With all that being said, I now have free time on my hands once again. Man Aug seemed like it was ages ago but time sure does fly when you are having fun.

So other than football, what else have I been doing? Good question! I scrapped the virtual assistant gig for now. I was having a hard time keeping up and working full time. Once I finish getting my real estate license, I can start the VA business back up again as a back. Yes I have taken my sweet time getting my license. I have 4 books left a book test to schedule and study for. I am and always will be the world’s worst procrastinator. I however do thrive off getting my obligations done last minute but I am constantly stressed and have no one to blame but myself. I even stressed getting my blog updated but kept putting it off because, well I have no idea why.

My succulent business has gained traction but is currently at a standstill. This too is something that I haven’t put much effort into since Nov because I got busy. However I plan on starting it up again and even have repeat customers. It is getting harder to sell though because I love them all and don’t want to just give them to anyone. I just need to start fresh.

We did some traveling the last part of the year. We went home in Aug to visit family. My husband and I went to FL at the end of Oct for a get away trip. My son and I went back home for Christmas and stayed 5 days (longest I’ve stayed) to make sure we saw everyone. My dad came to visit twice in Oct; at the beginning of Oct. for a Cowboy game and at the end of Oct to be with my stepmom who watched the kids while we were in FL. I am now trying to plan a family vacation in Aug for ALL the family (that’s about 9 families total) and I am already needing a vacation!

Lastly, Fall and winter is just a busy time for everyone. My husband’s birthday is in Aug. Mine and my son’s is in Oct. My daughter’s is in Dec. Then you sprinkle all the holidays and events that go on this time of year and before you know 3 months of your life has flown by.

So there it is. A quick update from me and more to come more often. I am currently restricting or watching how often I am on social media because my house now needs some love and attention. I will find more time though to update my blog even if no one reads it. This is a journal for me really but I welcome all those that do take the time to read! Thank you!